That love implies care is most evident in a mother’s love for her child. No assurance of her love would strike us as sincere if we saw her lacking in care for the infant, if she neglected to feed it, to bathe it, to give it physical comfort; and we are impressed by her love if we see her caring for the child. It is not different even with the love for animals or flowers. If a woman told us that she loved flowers, and we saw that she forgot to water them, we would not believe in her “love” for flowers. Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love. Where this active concern is lacking, there is no love.
Excerpt From: Fromm, Erich. “The Art of Loving.” iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.
Check out this book on the iBooks Store: https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewBook?id=600177798
As a child, I regularly visited with and spent Saturday’s at my Grandparents house.
One of my fondest memories from that time period is the enjoyment of taking a bath in my Nana's tub near the end of an exhausting day of running and ripping with both my cousins and the local neighborhood kids.
First, there was the whistling sound of the water filling the tub like a grand curtain call.
The fuller that it became the more powerfully it summoned you to its celebration of the day’s closing hour.
Slowly, ever so carefully you stuck your big toe into the steam and warmth as the causing message being sent to your brain registered that this is the place where you belong.
Wow! It is hot, but not hot enough to prevent you from continuing to slip in deeper and deeper.
The biggest moment came when you found yourself finally seated in the liquid fusion while taking in the familiar smell of Ivory soap.
I can still hear those last few drops from the faucet echoing as though applauding my willingness to surrender.
At last I am rewarded by the rich surround sound of ethereal grace and contentment.
Yes, I remember well the feeling of my body, mind, and spirit all at once blissfully and yet silently saying ahhh.
Please don’t let this splendid moment ever end!!!
But wait, following this stillness there is more to come: Cookies, ice cream, and a tall refreshing glass of milk before the night-light goes out.
These wonderful sensory experiences remain bundled together in a moment in time making it so effortless for you to recount the bedside call to prayer along with the loving kiss goodnight that Nana saved up just for you.
And to think she’s now become one hundred and two.
Every time I slipped beneath the soapy water, I felt safely watched over by the Almighty from way up on high as I lie there beneath the warm and soothing water of my dear ’Nana’s tub’.
Word Up! - A book of poems,
Nana's tub
Jonathan Dunnemann
(2013)
One of the worst habits that I picked up during my childhood, was the tendency to take things that did not belong to me. A Psychologist's might very well refer to this as poor impulse control.
Let
me be blunt, I was a thief. On one occasion, my grandfather told a
family whose house we were visiting for the evening that "if you have
anything valuable laying around like money or jewelry then you had
better put it up because my grandson is a thief and given the chance he
will take it!"
Was I embarrassed by this statement? Yes I
was. Nevertheless, what my Grandfather said was true. I imagine that he
also felt that publicly announcing a detailed and cautionary message
about my dishonest, selfish and untrustworthy behavior was still an
important duty and responsibility that he clearly had to others.
Looking
back, I realize that this behavior all started with something as
seemingly innocent as sneaking cookies out of my Grandmother's cookie
jar kept in the kitchen. This feat took plenty of repeated practice for
me to actually perfect without detection.
In time, I moved
on to taking money from the purses and wallets of immediate family
until everyone finally stopped leaving their valuable things lying
around within my line of sight.
These actions culminated
with my shoplifting of just about anything and everything (i.e., candy,
food, clothing, comic books, jewelry, and small electronic items) prior
to becoming a teenager.
Between age 10 to 12 years old I
had been caught stealing a number of times, sternly warned or asked not
to return to certain places of business by store owners but it had not
as yet resulted in any direct or serious consequences. Right now, you
may be wondering, how in the world could this have been the case?
Well
one afternoon, when I was in the eighth grade and living with my
grandparents, I finally got caught in a supermarket by the store
detective as I was trying to remove a record album from beneath my coat
so that I could place it on a shelf in the store. I decided to risk
taking this action because I thought that I may very well have been seen
when I was first attempting to steal the item.
Yes
indeed, I was "busted" and as a result, I got marched straight to the
business office where the store detective subsequently contacted the
police department and notified them of my actions.
Then,
for the very first time, upon hearing the store detective state that he
was going to drive me to the police station, I became very scared over
the consequences of my actions. By now, I assumed that I would be
arrested and ultimately locked up.
Once we arrived at the
police station, the police contacted my Grandfather informing him that
while the supermarket had gone ahead and decided not to press charges
because I was a minor, my Grandpa would still be required to come
over to the police station, sign some papers, pick me up and then take
me home.
Well guess what? My Grandpa refused to come and
get me. That's right. He said, "you can keep my grandson there over
night!" "Maybe it will do him some good."
Subsequently, I
had to be driven back to my grandparents house in broad daylight for
all the neighbors to see me getting out of a police car with my Grandpa
then looking none to pleased as he stood there peering out of the front
storm door of his house.
Let me share a bit about my
grandfather. My Grandpa, was a professional barber with his own business
located in Montclair, New Jersey. He was a very dignified, proud, and
well respected person in the community where he worked as well as the
one in which he lived. Most people I believe found him to be a man of
very few words.
My Grandpa never really had to say much
because he was the kind of person that you could generally tell what he
was thinking or whether he approved or disapproved of your actions just
by taking a good look at his face. On that particular day, it seemed to
say it all.
Later that same evening, we had dinner
together as if nothing had happened. When our meal finished, Grandpa
said in a very matter of fact manner, “the police have never been to
this house before for any reason until today Jonathan, and today you
brought shame upon our home by having them bring you home in a police
car for shoplifting which is a crime, and stealing is something that you
have repeatedly been told not to do.”
He followed up his
proceeding comments with, “I want you to have your bags packed by first
thing tomorrow morning because you are going to have to go back home to
live with your Mother.” “You simply cannot stay here in this house any
longer.”
That was the end of what he had to say.
That
night, I didn’t sleep at all. The seriousness of the situation made it
impossible for me to get the slightest bit of rest. The only thing that
kept running through my mind over and over again was, "what have I
done?"
The next morning, while we were in route to
Montclair from Caldwell, my Grandpa hadn’t said a single word and his
prolonged silence for me was like being slowly tortured. I was truly in
agony.
When he finally did speak, it was to say “Jon you
are 12 years old now and very soon you’re going to become a teenager. I
think that it is about time for you to start thinking seriously about
exactly what kind of man you want to become in life.” Frankly, I don't
think that I had even started giving this concept very much thought.
Grandpa said, “The choices that you are making right now are bad ones
and if you go on making choices like the one that you made yesterday
then they are going to lead you right into a reformatory school or even
worse straight to jail. I know that you’re not a stupid kid.” "So, let
me ask you this, is that what you really want for yourself?"
“Because
you don’t have a good relationship with your Mother and your father has
not been present in your life, both Nana and I decided to offer to let
you stay here with us. But now, because of what you’ve done you are
going to have to deal with the consequences of your actions and figure
out for yourself how to make the most of a situation that you have gone
and made worse.”
Grandpa mentioned to me how disappointed
he was with my decision making. But, and this proved to be very big
factor for me, he still believed that I could take this completely poor
conduct and actually learn from my mistake if I really spent the right
amount of time thinking about what I wanted, what I needed to do
differently, and if I could learn to focus more attention on making
better choices going forward. If these three things would help me to
restore the good graces with my Grandpa then I decided there was no
question about it, that is exactly what I was going to do. Because it
didn't take me very long to be able to see for myself that absent his
love and support, my life was about to get much harder than I could
possibly imagine.
As I grew older and came to recognize
how worried Grandpa was for me, I also learned to more fully appreciate
how hard it must have been for him to respond to my situation in the way
that he did. It was one of the most loving things that he could have
done for me and it proved to be the real difference maker in my
preadolescent life.
According to Nana, at no time did he ever let go of his great hope for me. I thank you so much Grandpa for that.
For
the first time in my young life, not only did a feel like an idiot but
it also felt awful to me seeing how badly I had destroyed the trust and
lost the very special support of my grandfather. I will always remember
that seemingly long car ride back to my Mother’s home the next morning
and even as a write this story I can still hear Grandpa’s lingering
words as if they were just being spoken to me today.
When I
walked back into my Mother's house that day and discovered that my
Mother had always expected me to fail and that once again I had to
accept what seemed to me at the time to be her extremely harsh
disciplinary practices and punishments, well I knew right then and there
that I just couldn’t live under her roof anymore. I had been out from
under her reign for nearly one year and God bless her but she had lost
me to the world outside. I do not blame my Mother for my behavior,
character flaws or any of the decisions that I made that may have
contributed to the specific failures in my life. What I gradually and
eventually learned is that what really matters most in life is to hold
yourself accountable for your actions. No one else.
That
day though, I decided to run away for the thirteenth and final time
never to return home to my Mother again. I was not afraid simply because
I did not as yet know what to be afraid of.
For the
remainder of that year, I on occasion lived in a tree house, a dog
house, on local golf course benches and when possible alternated between
friends homes for several days and weeks at a time. All of this took
place right within Caldwell, New Jersey.
During that
period, I wore my friends clothes and I was financially supported by
their parents. I was very fortunate not to have experienced any harm or
to have succumbed to doing further damage to myself or others. All that I
can tell you is that more than anything else I wanted to survive and
become good even if for the time being I had no idea just how I was
going to accomplish that. In many ways, I was still largely surrounded
by goodness and you can bet that I was clinging on to it for my dear
life.
When I finally ran out of good will, I ended up
becoming a ward of the State of New Jersey under the Division of Youth
and Family Services (DYFS) and was eventually placed in a Children’s
Shelter located in Bellville, New Jersey for the remainder of that
school year. Then in the summer of 1968, under the National Fresh Air
Fund Program I was sent away to what turned out to be a poorly attended
summer camp located in Mountaindale, New York for the better part of
that summer.
With plenty of time on my hands and not
enough to do I was fortunate to have been given a part-time job working
in a Jewish bakery (i.e., Friedman’s) where I learned how to make bagels
and Halla Bread as a paid Baker’s Assistant.
In the
afternoons and evenings, I played basketball with the two older young
men working at the bakery; Barry who attended Niagara University in New
York and his younger brother, who was attending St Bonaventure
University in New York. Nearly every day we played against other
talented college basketball players whose families were vacationing in
the Sullivan County area of upstate New York.
Yes, I was
learning on my feet how to make the most of my opportunities while also
managing to stay out of trouble as well as possible. I was introduced to
alcohol, drugs and sex at that time. None of these came to dominate my
life because when I was removed from those surroundings I always seemed
to return to my safe haven in Caldwell, New Jersey. That is not to say
that these things could not be found there as well. However, the
difference was that the friends and families that I was most familiar
with were far more protective over what their kids did, where they went,
and who they spent time with. As a result, I benefit from there care
and concern as well. For the most part, my friends and I were typically
to busy to really get into too much trouble. We weren't angels by any
means but we were seriously afraid of really screwing things up for
ourselves or anyone else for that matter.
Years later,
during one of the many Sunday afternoon’s that I spent having dinner at
my Grandparents house I took the opportunity to tell my Grandpa how much
I loved him and how thankful I was for all that he had done for me
throughout my childhood. Moreover, I let him know too, that if he had
not shown me the tough love that he did when I needed it the most that I
might not have been so driven later in adolescence to get into college
or to see my studies through to completion with the hope of one day
making him feel very proud of me.
My grandparents proudly
attended my high school graduation from Clifford J. Scott High School in
East Orange, NJ back in 1973 and I continued to have a close and loving
relationship with them throughout my years at college including my
travels to England, France, Italy, Germany and Austria during the summer
going into my senior year at Holy Cross College in Worcester,
Massachusetts.
Runaway - A biography of a runaway youth,
Chapter 3 A turning point
Chapter 3 A turning point
Jonathan Dunnemann
(2013)
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