The very first time that I can recall experiencing any sort of religious or philosophical epiphany was on an occasion in which I was lying on my back in the infirmary at Holy Cross College with possible flu-like symptoms.
Maybe it was as a result of having to yield myself to the overwhelming effects of illness and experiencing how poor health can adversely impact one's ability to keep up with their studies.
"Burning the candlestick at both ends" by partying too much, going to the gym nearly every day to play basketball, and regularly lifting weights on off days was taking up far to much time and exacting a heavy toll on my body. Finally, there I was laid out, flat on my back and surrendering to an overdue reflective state of mind. In that moment, for the first time, I began to sense a new and deeper perspective.
In what is still nearly indescribable, something profoundly alerted me to the reality that I was way out of alignment with what is affirming, blissful, ceaseless, purposeful, and well-intentioned.
Whether what was being felt was coming from within or outside of me was not yet clear. Something that I couldn't put my hands on had unmistakably eluded me for a long time and worse yet, may have contributed to my falling out of balance beyond the physical level. Rather, at a deeper soul-felt level. I have never forgotten that very unusual and overwhelming experience.
There have been times in which I have tried to return to the keen awareness that arose in me that day. The soft-light that filled the room, the dust particles that seemed infinite, and everything else at the time seemed so perfectly ordered in some strange way. There amidst the sounds of busy activity in the background was this constant and around the clock attention on everyone's part to providing me as well as others with compassionate and supportive care.
However, what I do realize now, is that I left the college infirmary somehow different from when I entered it. I'm not referring here to the lifting of my symptoms. No. At some point, while lying there in that infirmary I felt infused with 'spirit' on some level. It seems to have been a slow release acting dosage which ended up enlivening me and propelling me for the next two years of college through a period of unusually high productivity ultimately yielding far more favorable outcomes than I had experienced in quite some time.
And then what?
Somewhere along the way, I must have haphazardly taken another wrong turn, possibly blowing out a virtue, and so I ended up running off-track, broken again, lost, out there in the middle of Nowheresville. Once again, without answers.
I just hate it when that ends up happening. How about you? Yes, we all do stumble at one time or another.
Part of this whole awakening thing though seems to entail our stepping away from the familiar or being set apart from the ordinariness of our everyday lives. For this to begin, you have to almost be forced off the road. This is followed by a surprising beaconing and for us to respond we must begin by moving away from our past. That requires a leap of faith.
Effectually and effectively we must then decide to actively go our own way!
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